| i take it all back |
[Thursday September 4th, 2008, 12:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 COME N GET YUR BISCUITS CLETUS |
] |
You know who I blame for rape? The Pillsbury Doughboy.
|
|
| not. okay. |
[Wednesday September 3rd, 2008, 10:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
OH MYYYY GOOODDDDDD
If a woman undressed and engaged in sexual activity, she suggested, then changed her mind and the man carried on, that was rape; but, “I don't think she can have that man into court under those circumstances. I guess it is one of the many subtle parts of the men-women relationship that has to be negotiated and worked out between them.”
This piece of shit article ... where to fucking start. Well, Dame Helen Mirren can fuck right off back to making movies and shove her disgusting, misogynist opinion; and the author, Mick Hume, can hopefully never have any kind of intimate relations with a woman ever again, and ideally cut his own genitals off. IT IS NOT "ONE OF THE MANY SUBTLE PARTS OF THE MEN-WOMEN RELATIONSHIP". IT IS RAPE, AND IT IS FUCKING ILLEGAL.
This is one of the worst pro-rape articles I've ever seen, Jesus. How can this get published by a mainstream news outlet? How is saying that men are just allowed to shove their penis inside any naked women they like not immediately recognisable as, firstly, male supremacy, and secondly, hate speech?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
|
|
| or any frequently-lethal communicable disease, i'm not fussy |
[Monday September 1st, 2008, 6:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 now with even more rage |
] |
Dear Wollongong Medical Centre,
Thank you for providing me with half a roll of lint-covered medical tape with which to immobilise my broken toe. That will be the nicest part of this letter, so if you're not in the mood for swearing, why don't you and Jackie the other receptionist go back to planning your wedding. It's awesome to know that precisely which polyester ivory strapless gown you're wearing when you marry Greg the Builder is far more important than your snaking queue of sick patients.
Fuck the three mildewy waiting rooms I had to wait in for a combined total of four hours. All your patients smell poorly-showered, mothbally, or vomit-covered as it is, and mouldy skirting boards do nothing to cover the lingering stench. Fuck Days of our Lives, Entertainment Tonight, Judge Judy, and Hi-5. Fuck the idiot mother for slapping the shit out of her toddler while he screamed, and fuck all of the staff for not doing anything about it. Fuck the disgusting builder with a broken arm who kept sniggering with his workmate every time the blonde nurse walked past.
I hope your makeup encrusted x-ray technician, who sneered at me, tried very hard to avoid touching my hairy shin, and was rough with my broken toe, dies of Spanish flu. I hope most of you die of Spanish flu, and that in the process of investigating the epidemic, the entire Labor State Government dies of Spanish flu.
Spanish flu for all,
Eleanor.
|
|
| i'll hack you good, motherfucker |
[Sunday August 31st, 2008, 2:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Amanda Palmer - Strength Through Music |
] |
My foot is swollen and purple. This somewhat puts a dampener on my plan to stride purposefully into the Commonwealth Bank's personal loans office tomorrow, ask if they have some kind of Vigilante Justice division from which I can borrow $200 to buy a chainsaw, nip down to someone's house, and hedge-trim all their limbs off.
It just wouldn't be the same with a limp.
|
|
| there's worms in them thar hills |
[Wednesday August 27th, 2008, 8:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
JESSICA: I found out we're only spending six weeks in Austria, the rest of the time we're going to be in Scotland.
ELEANOR: Why the hell are you going to Scotland?
JESSICA: Because my dad does a lot of correspondence with the entomologists there. They send him a lot of worms.
ELEANOR: Worms, they send him worms? You can send worms through the post?
JESSICA: As long as they're not in soil. These dudes try to send them to him in soil, and they keep getting impounded by Customs.
ELEANOR: They try to send worms, overseas, packed in soil. IN SOIL, WHO SENDS SOIL. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T SEND SOIL.
JESSICA: They've been doing it since 1962. They just shove some dirt in a box, put some worms and leaves on top, tape up the box, and ship the whole thing out. Then they go back to poking around the dirt for more worms.
|
|
| where's your organic fruit platter NOW |
[Sunday August 24th, 2008, 2:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 shouldn't be eating ice cream |
] |
Yesterday my sister turned seventeen. To celebrate this, and to punish my dad for giving us minted orange juice instead of cordial at every party we had before we reached double digits, she hired an adult-sized jumping castle.
( these are my lily-white feet )
|
|
| please post seriously |
[Tuesday August 19th, 2008, 3:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
I don't think you understand how much I want a pair of winklepickers, and not just because of the name, although excuse me please because I need to go on and shoot out a sprog so that I can call it Elliot Winklepicker III. She will be a plucky child with a pointy head, and I will order her one size bigger to accomodate my feet.
This is her gestating.
...
Anyway, apart from licking invisible boots (what is it with me and shoes, anyone would think I was some kind of woman), I have been continuing the terrible toil that is my godsent mission to be a complete cock most or all of the time. Not, you know, a major cock, like this guy, although having said that, does being hilarious enough automatically absolve someone of cockhood (no I will not retract that pun [OR THAT ONE EITHER])?
I just, um, managed to hand in an essay the other day that was printed on the back of some of ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) metaphoroflife's Anatomy lecture slides, because we ran out of printer paper. Unfortunately I also forgot my tutor's name, so I wrote the lecturer's name on it instead and stuck a post-it note inside the cover sheet explaining how I clearly have no brain and no respect for my teachers and please don't hurt me.
Then after I handed it in, I realised I'd forgotten to include why the essay has small pictures of the human body on the reverse side. So now my assignment inexplicably goes 'globalisation is a complex set of connected processes that [cross section of a penis and associated tubules]'. Postmodern comment on the phallocentricity of economic analysis? Yes, please!
|
|
| i blame iemma. |
[Tuesday August 12th, 2008, 5:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
Someone please remind me never to lose my wallet again. :(
I got a new student ID card today, which was $10. The only reason I spent that $10 was so I can get half fare on trains; I catch a lot of trains. I am intimately acquainted with CityRail and their world-class fleet of unsafe, disgusting, and unreliable trains. The nice lady at Student Central only told me after I had bought my ID that it didn't come with the sticker that makes me eligible for half fare. I have to hand in another form to the State Rail Authority office at Central in order to get that sticker. Handing in that form costs $21 that I can't really afford. However, I also can't afford to pay full fare on trains, or pay the $200 fine that I will inevitably get if I keep buying student tickets.
So now I have a useless student ID, whose only purpose seems to be making sure I have at least one unflattering photo of myself on my person at all times. On the plus side, I have a tutorial in half an hour that is so dull and useless that nobody will mind when I hijack it in order to protest the concept of inalienable human rights.
|
|
| lice |
[Monday August 11th, 2008, 10:10pm] |
Humans can get three kinds of louse. You are a human; I am a human. We could both, theoretically, be infested with three separate species of louse right now. Other animals, those lowly creatures unblessed with our sapience, creativity, peerlessness, can only get one. Dogs have dog lice. Goats have goat lice. Birds have bird lice. Humans have the head louse, the body louse and, to add insult to injury, our very own pubic louse.
Is this what we get for evolving? Or, is this what we get for being created by God from mud, given intelligence, an entire earth to inhabit and sustain ourselves with? We have cities and art and music and literacy, and three different kinds of louse. We're the top of the food chain, unparalleled, we've been into space; we invented bacon, for fuck's sake. How many people in the world care about that, and how many are sitting somewhere trying to scratch themselves in three places at once, thinking "wow, I wish I didn't have so many fucking lice right now."
Jesus fucking Christ.
|
|
| STOP WATCHING IT, stop watching it, you have an assignment to do |
[Monday August 11th, 2008, 10:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
not listening to babooshka again i swear |
] |
...
Question: Everything Alan Jones has said on air, ever, in living memory and probably way before he or any human was even born (that's how special he is), has been "likely to incite or perpetuate hatred against or vilify any person or group on the basis of age, ethnicity, nationality, race, gender, sexual preference, religion or physical or mental disability", and/or "likely to incite, encourage or present for its own sake violence or brutality". Yes? I can just include a photograph of myself pointing mutely at a picture of Alan Jones in one of his frothing racist on-air rages, and this will be self-evident? Excellent.
|
|
| boredom and poverty reach their zenith |
[Wednesday August 6th, 2008, 9:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Amanda Palmer - Runs in the Family |
] |
"Wow! There are 41 tampons in this box instead of 40! I ripped Carefree out of 21 cents!"
|
|
| also insert another few pages of stupid shit that people have said in my tutorials this week |
[Wednesday August 6th, 2008, 1:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bat for Lashes - A Forest |
] |
MUSIC that is very very excellent. I may be biased in that this is one of my favourite songs covered by one of my favourite bands, but SLTTTPP.
...
I learnt on Friday night that when you cast a woman in the titular role of Julius Caesar, and men in all the conspirators' roles, the scene of Caesar's death gets a lot scarier.
|
|
| i am being mean on the internet |
[Saturday August 2nd, 2008, 12:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 uncomfortable |
] |
OkCupid.com, the dating profile you have when all the normal avenues of sadistic internet amusement have exhausted themselves, has been providing me with some absolute gems recently. It makes me feel sorry for people who try to use the site to actually meet men; all the women seem to be nice, normal, and well-dressed, whereas every man seems to have specifically selected words and photos that make him look like an unwashed stoner dork. I have not ruled out the possibility that this is merely a standard representation of the population of the internet. Usernames have been withheld to protect the terminally unattractive. ( Cut for some incredibly lengthy, incredibly creepy pontificating. )
|
|
| obsessed with fluids (not the good kind of fluids) |
[Thursday July 24th, 2008, 6:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 phlegmatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Youth Group - Skeleton Jar |
] |
ELEANOR: Ew, the Wikipedia article for phlegm actually has a picture of phlegm!!
JESSICA: OH! PICTURE OF PHLEGM, PICTURE OF PHLEGM! *bounds*
ELEANOR: No! I don't want to look at it any more! Don't make me!
JESSICA: Look away! *scrolls; smiles*
ELEANOR: Oh Jesus. *looks away*
JESSICA: Wow, lookit the phlegm! There's a Canadian quarter for size. I wonder how big a Canadian quarter is.
ELEANOR: You're sick.
JESSICA: Hey, look. If you keep coughing like that, we could have a live demonstration in a minute.
|
|
| wot i learned today at uni |
[Wednesday July 23rd, 2008, 7:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
university |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion |
] |
A commodity is something you can value. You know, using 'money'.
What 'Eurocentrism' is.
On a map, when red is the Spanish Empire and blue is the Portuguese Empire, purple is not also the Spanish Empire.
I shouldn't have to worry about any kind of meaningful study of such complex terms as 'neoliberalism' until at least second year.
"Politics does not stop at your bedroom door." <--- No, clearly not. I invite it in, using my lascivious smile, feminine wiles, and cleavage-baring nightwear.
Civil war is not the same as 'normal war'. It only involves one country.
People who enjoy the unique and charming 'cage of angry budgerigars' quality of Question Time are dangerous deviants who need some kind of corrective brain surgery.
Boycotting Woollies for introducing self-serve checkouts is completely ethically consistent with regularly eating Happy Meals.
It's week one. I have another three months of this shit oh GOD sob sob etc.
...
The only actual piece of useful information I acquired today was that you shouldn't play Giant Jenga on a sloping surface. It will only end in tears, I tell you.
|
|
| b: do they self-inflate?! e: .. no. |
[Sunday July 20th, 2008, 2:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
PJ Harvey - White Chalk |
] |
goblinpaladin and I were in Kmart, channelling our hunter-gatherer ancestors, buying snacks before we were going to see the new Batman movie (which is, by the way, awesomesauce), and lo! he spies a rack of wonders.
"Oh my god, emergency ponchos!!"
"... yes, they sure are."
"I didn't know there was such thing as an emergency poncho!! They're so cool! For EMERGENCIES!! Where normal ponchos will not suffice!"
"You've never seen emergency ponchos before?"
"No!"
"You must have had a very sheltered existence up till this point."
"... not sheltered under an emergency poncho I haven't!"
|
|
| separated (vocally) at birth |
[Thursday July 17th, 2008, 10:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 shocked |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Joanna Newsom - The Sprout and the Bean |
] |
Shirley Temple, ultimate child star:
And Joanna Newsom, indie folk darling/Gelfling:
Federal police breeding program gone awry? Reincarnation? WHO KNOWS
|
|
| adult cuisine made from baby food: edition one |
[Tuesday July 15th, 2008, 12:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
Teething Rusks with Organic Dill Mayonnaise
Deliciously creamy mayonnaise with a hint of mustard and plenty of dill. Thankfully overpowers incredibly bland flavour and frankly horrific texture of rusk. Possible uses: cultivation of condiment discernment in the under-one set. Unsuitable for anyone with more than ten teeth.
Overall: 5/10
Only Organic Apple and Oatmeal baby cereal with locally-harvested, unprocessed honey
Somewhat gummy texture of cereal calls to mind overmicrowaved porridge, although the flavour of this infant food is a real winner. Lack of added sugar is entirely compensated for by the delicious honey. I would feel no shame in serving this, with maybe a small dollop of Yoplait baby yoghurt, to the Prime Minister. Undoubtedly it contains 'easily digestible source of iron' and 'added calcium' to help adequately calcify the PM's developing skeleton.
Overall: 8/10
Arnott's Teddy Bear Biscuit with homemade fig and ginger jam
Though a beloved treat of my nine-month-old cousin, I cannot report well on the Teddy Bear Biscuit. Essentially a Milk Arrowroot in the shape of a tiger (???), its crumb is entirely unsatisfactory. Addition of fig and ginger jam to the biscuit is helpful, but still I feel the shame of wasting it on a small piece of sticky floorboard. Possible uses: a sandwich of jam and the biscuits may be a short-notice tea party snack, but only for guests you don't particularly like. Visual cue of baby on hip may arguably distract them from its subpar taste and texture.
Overall: 4/10
|
|
| mishmash |
[Monday July 14th, 2008, 8:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
babybabybaby |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
estella - don' wanna get in my sleepin' sack |
] |
1. Is your sack clammy? Need something to sprinkle on your fudgies throughout the day? Scrotal talc? There you are, sir. Perfect.
2. ( My cousin ) goes to bed in a sleep sack. I wanted a child before, but now that I know I can just put them to bed in a sack, the maternal instinct has gone up a hundred fold, and I wonder if the incentive of a sack would work for less desirable things. Injections? Hop in this sack while you get the needle, it will make everything better. Gotten dumped? Here's the special Breakup Sack. Terrorist attack? Terrorist Attack Sack. Just get inside, pull the drawstring, and you're set.
3. I'm pretty sure I had a third item to add, but instead of whatever the fuck that was, I'm just going to talk about my cousin. She's a baby, you know. Know how I could tell? 'Cause she tried to stick her fingers in the electrical socket. I had a moment of doubt during the half an hour where she wouldn't stop trying to crawl into the liquor cabinet and drink the Grand Marnier, but the electrical socket incident cleared that one right up. Also, she smells like baby and needs only a bottle of vitamin C to be amused for two hours. And she inches quietly around on the floor, sucking crumbs off the cork tiling. That is all.
|
|
| and you've got mine |
[Friday July 11th, 2008, 9:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lady in the Radiator - In Heaven |
] |
Recently I've been growing to understand why some people use schedulers, or alternatively, hire small and brightly-coloured birds to sit on their shoulders and memorise their weekly plans. If I did this, maybe I wouldn't have days like today, which make me want to go into some kind of time-consuming occupation that causes its practitioners to acquire an intense and disgusting odour. "Don't invite Eleanor to five events on the one night!! Ever since she took up that new job she smells like brimstone, and she won't stop talking about the fuckin' bird she has parked on her shoulder."
Maybe I could set myself on fire? Not the imposing, charring kind of fire; just some low-grade flames shooting persistently out my shirt sleeve, creating a heat intense enough that nobody wants to be within twenty feet of me. Downsides - I can see people snapping low-slung branches off trees and using me to toast marshmallows on, plus I could potentially be used as a patsy for every arson offence in the state.
I've also has this stuck in my head on repeat for about forty hours now. Until an hour ago I hadn't realised what it was; it was just this pulsating, repetitive drone in my hindbrain. Now it's still there, only louder, and I think I'm about to start grinding my teeth. Plus I have all the memories of the past few days with it playing underneath, like a line of creeping ants in the corner of my eye.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
